“Welcome to the Drab Donkey once again, weary travelers,” said the wizard seated behind a stack of books and a cup of wine. He addressed a strange coven of companions that included a massive orc barbarian, an armored dwarf, and a lithe wood nymph. He took off a battered old purple hat, reached into it, and pulled out multiple scrolls of parchment. “I, the great and powerful Drambloom, as always, am your humble World Master for our campaign of Boredom and Bedlam—the exciting game of a fantastical world called Earth, where players have no magic, no special inherited abilities, and must survive a hellscape of boredom and oppression!”
The surrounding congregants cheered and set out their own sheets of parchment in front of them.
Drambloom waited for their merriment to wane and continued. “Having wiped our previous campaign following the unfortunate incident involving fishing off the coast of—” the wizard flipped through another scroll, “Flooreeda? Gods, I hope I’m saying that right. Anyway, fishing near Flooreeda for the marlin, Genesta’s character—” he nodded to the wood nymph, “—convinced you all to use compact explosive sticks. That resulted in the desolation of your vessel, and you were all eaten by sharks.”
“Not my fault,” said Genesta, she pointed to the orc. “Dogbreath fumbled the roll and dropped a stick right next to the boat when he should have easily thrown it.”
The party grumbled. Drambloom hushed them. “Nevertheless, it resulted in our new characters created at our last session.” He flipped through parchment copies. “Genesta, you are now playing a guy named Buck. You maxed out strength at the cost of intelligence, charisma, and just about every other trait in the game.” He nodded to the orc. “Dogbreath, you seem fairly balanced, playing a female named Samantha. Sam took extra charisma by accepting a roll on 1d100 from the Mental Health Handicap appendix and ended up with…” He squinted at the scroll. “‘Pathological Gambling Disorder.’”
“Oh yeah,” cried the orc. “Momma needs a new pair of shoes!” He mimed rolling a handful of dice.
“That leaves Radley,” Drambloom said, and nodded to the armored dwarf. “You seem to be playing a man named Bob. You note that he is of average height and weight, with no discerning features. You have higher levels of deception and intelligence but also used the MHH appendix for extra skill points and got ‘Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.’”
The dwarf clanged excitedly in his chair.
“Now, our last session ended with you all successfully gaining employment with a regional purveyor of in-home large kitchen and home artifices. Samantha took a job in sales, while Bob and Buck are on a delivery crew. You begin tonight with Bob and Buck in the warehouse and Sam on the sales floor. How do you want to proceed?”
“Does Sam have any money?” asked Dogbreath.
“No. Your whole group took these jobs to make enough to cover the rent on something called a—” Drambloom consulted another parchment. “Oh, here, a three-bedroom double-wide trailer. It was the only thing your group could afford a security deposit on since you all decided to stay in Flooreeda.”
“Okay, who else is in the showroom?”
“Aside from you, there’s a young couple who say they were recently married, a sad old man staring at a device called a dishwasher, and another salesperson. The other salesperson, Joe, is a balding, overweight man in his early fifties with a bristly mustache. His hobbies include wearing brown pants. He is making a move on the young couple.”
“I want to intercept Joe. Can my crew help?”
The wizard consulted a sketch on a parchment. “Maybe. Buck was spending last turn ripping wooden pallets apart with his bare hands, but Bob is on the sales floor too. Radley, roll one 10-sided die for your compulsion.”
The armor clanged as Radley produced a small leather pouch. He plucked out a 10-sided die and rolled it. “Three!” shouted a tinny voice inside the armor.
Drambloom sighed. “Unfortunately, while Sam was trying to get Bob’s attention, he got distracted by a vending machine and must now spend the next turn counting the items inside.”
Radley asked from inside his armor, “What’s that?”
“According to the guide, the vending machine is a trade assistant that gives single-serving food items for loose coins.”
“Oooh,” replied Radley.
Dogbreath frowned. “Can I roll for athletics to get ahead of Joe?”
“Yes. We both have to roll a 20-sided die. I have an obesity modifier for Joe. You need to roll a…” The game master rolled his die. “Twelve or better.”
Dogbreath picked up the die in her massive green palm and let it roll across the roughly hewn wooden table. “Eighteen,” she said with a smile.
“Joe tries his best but is blocked by the old man staring at the dishwasher, who starts to tell him a story about when he was a little girl and they had to wash dishes by hand because that was the fashion of the time.”
“Great. What are the young couple looking to buy?”
“They are looking at buying a new refrigerator.”
The orc looked confused. “What’s that?”
“According to the Artificer Handbook, in this fantasy world, there is no magic, but they have supplanted that with inventions that run off lightning—somehow canned and transported through special hoses—or explosive gases, also canned and transported by special pipes and hoses.”
Genesta interrupted, “And they don’t blow themselves up more often than my dynamite fishing? That hardly seems fair.”
“It apparently happens rarely, but there are rigorous testing measures to make sure it hardly ever kills anyone.”
“And this refrigerator?” asked Dogbreath.
“It’s a massive box that keeps items cold and frozen.”
“But if it’s frozen, then it is cold,” he replied.
“According to the guide, there are two compartments in the box. The larger area keeps items cold, and the smaller area keeps items fully frozen. For reference, they are about the size of Genesta’s character, Buck.”
“Okay, how desperate are they?”
“Pretty desperate,” said the wizard. “They say their old one blew up, and they need this delivered today before their meats melt in their freezer.”
“Can I do a charisma roll to see what I can sell them?”
“Sure. Roll one 20-sided die.”
The orc rolled. “Natural 20, without my modifiers.”
The wizard checked a paper, then consulted a manual and rolled a series of dice with a grim look.
“Okay. Sam was very successful in her sales pitch. So successful that you almost sold them a full set of kitchen artifices, including a stove and a dishwasher. However, after I rolled to check their credit history, they can only get a small loan in addition to the five hundred dollars they brought today. That means they can only afford the mid-range refrigerator. Your commission stands at $120.”
“Not the best, but it’s a start on the day,” said Dogbreath. “Ok, I need Bob and Buck to help get that re-friger thingy to their house now, right?”
“Yes,” agreed Drambloom. “Bob has finished counting the snacks and sees you needing his help.”
Dogbreath turned to Radley, “Go get Buck and grab one of those … uh, things from the warehouse while I figure out how to take these people’s money.”
Radley said from inside his armor, “Aye aye”, and Genesta perked up, “I am ready to lift the thing,” while waiving her twiggy arms.
Drambloom instructed them to roll a series of dice, and analyzed the numbers rolled by Genesta: twelve, eleven, eighteen and two. Then the numbers rolled by Radley: sixteen, seventeen and nineteen.
At last the game master spoke. “Buck successfully retrieved a refrigerator from the inventory, but it was the wrong model. After he brought back the correct one that the young couple bought, he dropped it on Bob. Bob successfully sidestepped and barely evaded taking any damage to his character.”
Radley clanked and jumped around in his armor, “oh, oh! I read about a thing in the guide on this, I want to file a, um, Workman’s Comp claim!”
Drambloom grimaced. “You weren’t hurt, so you’ll have to roll for deception to make the claim work. Use one 20-sided die”
The dwarf rolled the die. “Nineteen!”
“Let me consult the OSHA compendium,” said the wizard and pulled a book from his stack nearby. “It looks like you’ve successfully received workman’s comp for $3000 per month until healed. You will need to make another deception roll every third turn to keep up the scheme.”
Radley cheered. “We made rent!” The whole party celebrated.